One of my favorite Dolly Parton songs is “Just Because I’m A Woman.” To love Dolly is to know that her whole deal is a deep understanding of femininity as first and foremost performance art—it’s there in “False Eyelashes” and in “The Bargain Store” and in the macabre, bleak story songs like “Down from Dover” and “Robert”—but “Just Because I’m A Woman” is the apex of this argument.
I love your concept of white, wound-based feminism flattening the "scale of pain." How can we build feminism that makes space for all kinds of pain, without equating them? Or should we even try? If the answer is to listen to more Dolly Parton, I'm very, very here for it...
So good!! Especially insightful to point out the problem of identity as wound, and how that gets externalized: “Only I know my pain, therefore your pain is acceptable only if it reflects or mirrors mine.” This construct feels deeply accurate in the context of the feminist movement, past and present. It also had a tinge of existential panic…if we can’t make the wound a weapon or armor, then our existence, our very matter, is at risk of annihilation. Of course unbeknownst to women in this camp is that they are actually participating in that annihilation through their wound as identity trope… so thoughtful this piece! Thank you for writing it 💖
Yes this. Thank you Kaitlyn for naming this thing that has bugged me for YEARS. Identity as wound externalized in that weird demand for reparations from the husband -- that strange sense of "you owe me." Identity as wound explains why the women I grew up with who are among this cohort of wealthy white married women are utterly disinterested in equality, in independence -- they are wounded, and they DESERVE to be served by the world. I'm going to be mulling this over for a while ... it's been mysterious to me for most of my adult life ...
I just finished reading your piece in the 4th January, 2022 NYT, “What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up?”, and I must ask you, “ What did you expect? “. For both partners, whether man or woman, married life requires giving up many of your prerogatives as an individual, for the good of the marriage. It is an overworked trope that single men refer to the their married brothers as carrying a ball and chain wherever they go, whatever they do.
My wife and I married in our late thirties, and I cannot recall the number of our arguments that started with, “When I was single…”, or, “You’ve got to stop acting like you’re single!…”. Now, after 22 years together, having raised 2 children, we are slowly returning to the halcyon days of our courting, albeit with the bittersweet wisdom of knowing each other for over two decades.
What mattered throughout the difficult times was our commitment to the Marriage. It is greater than either of us. Our children and our extended family appreciate our sacrifice in this partnership, not for what it gives us, the spouses, but for what it has given them.
Yes, there are boundaries which may not be crossed, but like most people, we were unaware of many of these from the individual, egotistic sides of ourselves prior to marriage. Only negotiation, approached by both parties in Good Faith, with the object of continuing our life together as a married couple, has allowed us to continue as a couple. The negotiations have never been easy, nor were (or are) resolved upon initial discussion. Some have been ongoing for the entirety of of our 22 years together.
I hope your daughter is Happy, and never despises either you or her father for your decision to divorce. It is good she is surrounded by her cousins, grandmother, aunts, uncles. As for you, trading the demands of commitment to a spouse for the demands of multi-generational, extended family living may or may not give you the mental & emotional space your individuality needs. Whether the trade’s pluses outweigh its minuses, for your daughter’s sake I hope you will keep your current arrangements alive until your daughter is ready to fledge as a young woman. Every child needs stability, security, and Love. Good Luck,
This is so profound, Kaitlyn. I consumed it in small bites. The world should be as easy for us as it is for everybody else!! The struggle endures!
I just finished reading LIBERTIE. As a Haitian-American, I savored the story. The Kreyol proverbs that started each chapter reminded me so much of my grandmother. When I was a child growing up in Haiti, it seemed like I was taught about life through these sayings. I compliment you for the authenticity you brought into the representation of the characters, the settings and the story itself. Great job. I will highly recommend it.
Great piece! Lots of food for thought. It does seem to me sometimes that there's sort of a race to the bottom in feminism- "you think that's bad? look at what happened to me or to my people!" I think it's so critical to hear different voices but wonder how helpful it is to be creating more wounds as we insist on greater recognition of/appreciation for wounds that have been ignored.
I love your concept of white, wound-based feminism flattening the "scale of pain." How can we build feminism that makes space for all kinds of pain, without equating them? Or should we even try? If the answer is to listen to more Dolly Parton, I'm very, very here for it...
So good!! Especially insightful to point out the problem of identity as wound, and how that gets externalized: “Only I know my pain, therefore your pain is acceptable only if it reflects or mirrors mine.” This construct feels deeply accurate in the context of the feminist movement, past and present. It also had a tinge of existential panic…if we can’t make the wound a weapon or armor, then our existence, our very matter, is at risk of annihilation. Of course unbeknownst to women in this camp is that they are actually participating in that annihilation through their wound as identity trope… so thoughtful this piece! Thank you for writing it 💖
Yes this. Thank you Kaitlyn for naming this thing that has bugged me for YEARS. Identity as wound externalized in that weird demand for reparations from the husband -- that strange sense of "you owe me." Identity as wound explains why the women I grew up with who are among this cohort of wealthy white married women are utterly disinterested in equality, in independence -- they are wounded, and they DESERVE to be served by the world. I'm going to be mulling this over for a while ... it's been mysterious to me for most of my adult life ...
*white/cis* feminist movement
Dear Ms. Greenidge,
I just finished reading your piece in the 4th January, 2022 NYT, “What Does Marriage Ask Us to Give Up?”, and I must ask you, “ What did you expect? “. For both partners, whether man or woman, married life requires giving up many of your prerogatives as an individual, for the good of the marriage. It is an overworked trope that single men refer to the their married brothers as carrying a ball and chain wherever they go, whatever they do.
My wife and I married in our late thirties, and I cannot recall the number of our arguments that started with, “When I was single…”, or, “You’ve got to stop acting like you’re single!…”. Now, after 22 years together, having raised 2 children, we are slowly returning to the halcyon days of our courting, albeit with the bittersweet wisdom of knowing each other for over two decades.
What mattered throughout the difficult times was our commitment to the Marriage. It is greater than either of us. Our children and our extended family appreciate our sacrifice in this partnership, not for what it gives us, the spouses, but for what it has given them.
Yes, there are boundaries which may not be crossed, but like most people, we were unaware of many of these from the individual, egotistic sides of ourselves prior to marriage. Only negotiation, approached by both parties in Good Faith, with the object of continuing our life together as a married couple, has allowed us to continue as a couple. The negotiations have never been easy, nor were (or are) resolved upon initial discussion. Some have been ongoing for the entirety of of our 22 years together.
I hope your daughter is Happy, and never despises either you or her father for your decision to divorce. It is good she is surrounded by her cousins, grandmother, aunts, uncles. As for you, trading the demands of commitment to a spouse for the demands of multi-generational, extended family living may or may not give you the mental & emotional space your individuality needs. Whether the trade’s pluses outweigh its minuses, for your daughter’s sake I hope you will keep your current arrangements alive until your daughter is ready to fledge as a young woman. Every child needs stability, security, and Love. Good Luck,
The Soldier
This is so profound, Kaitlyn. I consumed it in small bites. The world should be as easy for us as it is for everybody else!! The struggle endures!
I just finished reading LIBERTIE. As a Haitian-American, I savored the story. The Kreyol proverbs that started each chapter reminded me so much of my grandmother. When I was a child growing up in Haiti, it seemed like I was taught about life through these sayings. I compliment you for the authenticity you brought into the representation of the characters, the settings and the story itself. Great job. I will highly recommend it.
Great piece! Lots of food for thought. It does seem to me sometimes that there's sort of a race to the bottom in feminism- "you think that's bad? look at what happened to me or to my people!" I think it's so critical to hear different voices but wonder how helpful it is to be creating more wounds as we insist on greater recognition of/appreciation for wounds that have been ignored.